Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave