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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Are you ok, human???
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…