Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.