You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.