Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
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I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
“No way.” -Jose
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz