[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
You Might Also Like
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
spot the difference
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.