I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
You Might Also Like
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*