My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”