Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
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According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird