Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars