To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
You Might Also Like
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas