Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
This was a bad idea all around
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
my sentiments exactly
I’m going to need a moment here.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.