” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Is fake venison called venisn’t
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I hope your spoon slides into your soup