Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.