I already tried new things thanks.
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
6: are snakes just neck?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??