Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Note to self: I am a note
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
You deplete me
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: