I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne