Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.