Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss