I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Botany good plants lately?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.