My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
You Might Also Like
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
me and who
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Ovenable?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.