This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
A friend helps you before you need it
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.