When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
damn he’s good
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.