There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency