Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
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Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
liiiiiiiiike
did it work
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way