Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.