Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
favorite tropes as memes
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
british sex workers really pound for pound
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.