*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.