they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man