Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Phones down.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.