Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
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Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
When you’ve simply given up.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra