I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*skinny dips into black hole
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Meanwhile in Portland…
Note to self: I am a note
What my back needs
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
just witnessed a drug deal
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.