“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
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grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
December birthdays be like…
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.