Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant