not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Travel bloggers during quarantine
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Real House Wines.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.