Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
All generalizations are stupid.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
me irl
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.