*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
buying dead houseplants to save time
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.