Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Cats (2019)
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
FINE, I WON’T.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”