People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me