Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
You Might Also Like
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.