Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
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*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
This story is comedy gold 😂
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.