My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
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I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Ken is short for chicken
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?