My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
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I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.