I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good