[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.