The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
You Might Also Like
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
i now pronounce you bounced.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
This is true.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
This story is comedy gold 😂
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.