Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Good morning, Twitter x
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday