When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
You Might Also Like
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Phonetics
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?