Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
the icebreaker
Krampus.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”