Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Never forget.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.